Today, I bought a bag of Corn Nuts.  I needed to stay awake for a 3 hour trip and boy, did I stay awake.

Corn Nuts (Which actually are not made of nuts nor made in a factory that processes nuts nor is there a Adams Peanut Butter factory next door—where they got the “nut” part of Corn Nuts is a mystery) are one of nature’s finest “brain rattlers”.  You start crunching on one of those things and your brain starts jumping inside your skull.

The bag says kids under 6 years of age should not eat them due to the risk of choking.  I think it’s due to the risk of brain damage since their brains are still developing and so fragile. I bet if you took a survey of all the moms who have children who do not think as fast as other children, you would find that all those moms ate corn nuts while pregnant.  Those poor fetuses didn’t have a chance!

They should call them Concussion Nuts—oh wait, they aren’t nuts—Concussion Corn.  You don’t need to play contact sports for a concussion or get in a fender bender for whip-lash.  For just $1.79, you too can get brain damage while sitting at home on your couch.

Whenever you have a child who can’t get up for school, just open a bag of Corn Nuts and start crunching.  The small earthquake that will occur will have your child up and running to stand in a door frame.

And who started the Corn Nut business?  Who invented the most annoying snack?

Well, who do you think?

The Denture People.

Who else would want to legally whittle down your teeth to stubs?  Who else would want you to grind something up in your mouth and at the same time not even realize you are chewing on one of your own teeth?  Eat one bag.  Just one.  Then look in the mirror and smile a big gum smile.  Unless you can afford dentures, you will be gumming on bones and slurping down mashed potatoes and gravy for the rest of your life.

Corn Nuts.  Nutty Corns.  Concussion Corn.  Non-Nut Corn Snack.  Earthquake Kernels. Brain Damage Bits.  Head Injury in a Bag.  Whiplash Wonders.

Whatever you call them, I got home without falling asleep because I was eating them.  I may have brain damage and no teeth, but I’m alive, baby, I’m alive!